For she said, ‘I will go after my lovers,
who give me my bread and my water,
my wool and my flax, my oil and my drink.’ Hosea 2:5
Write a number.
Write a number.
Write the number.
Write the number of men.
Write the number that you know.
The true number.
Give me the number. On this paper write the number.
She knelt at my feet.
Years of guilt and shame poured down my cheek.
I wanted to vomit. I wanted to run. I wanted to look at her and say no.
Instead I wrote the number.
And I will punish her for the feast days of the Baals
when she burned offerings to them
and adorned herself with her ring and jewelry,
and went after her lovers
and forgot me, declares the Lord. Hosea 2:13
The number of lives that I destroyed. The number of innocent moments I had taken from another woman’s wedding night. The number of times I denied that God’s plan was better for my life. The number of times I choose pleasure over protection. The number of times I craved acceptance over wholeness. The number of times I willingly and unwillingly gave a piece of who I was to another.
And here I was twenty years later finally pushing towards freedom.
Satan holds me. Held me. To the number.
Tried for years to tattoo it to my vision. To remind me that who I was is who I am.
I was done. I am done letting sins twisted in sheets control me.
For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. Hosea 2:17
The chains of lies that held me then still controlled me now. Believing that I was used up, I was of no use. I had had my fair share of lovers. And to never be touched again would be too soon.
The shame that I let clothe me felt too heavy to carry alone. I was ready.
To find freedom. To see freedom. To crawl towards it.
And the first step was truth. To be honest with myself. To be honest with my husband. And to find someone to tell my truth to. Someone safe that would guide me, walk with me, pray for me, and lead me to the One who would ultimately bind up the wounds I had left gaping for years.
And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord. Hosea 2:19
Where you are. Whoever you are. Whatever you’ve done or didn’t do. He is there waiting. Crying seeing you carry your chains around. Lay them down. He is waiting. Calling you home.
Time to return.
He is gentle and safe.
He is justice and mercy.
He faithful and true.
With arms open
Calling you to freedom.