Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.
It’s not anything to be proud of. If anything its embarrassing. To sit before your best friend with tears and say you have never been lonelier.
My life is full. Full of children. Full of friends. Full of schedules. Full of running. Full of activities. Full of noise. Full of appointments.
It’s full. But I am empty.
And if I’m being honest. It’s not me. It’s not him.
It’s us. We.
We are empty. We are lonely.
Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish.
We stay busy. With school. With soccer. With swimming. With basketball. With volleyball. With doctors. With therapists. With coaching. With volunteering.
We become busy. We become lonely.
And my heart is empty in the fullest schedules.
Look on my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins.
So we become who we were.
Two parents living parallel lives. Working for the five little ones we love instead of loving for the five little ones to thrive.
Until the silence is too thick to hear the faint crying against my pillow.
When I believe that the only way to feel heard is to let myself become sick again.
When one or both decide that we need help.
We need to crawl back again to those that speak truth over us.
When late night phone calls are made to say ….”please”
Guard my life and rescue me;do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. Psalm 25:20
The moment we realize again we are doing what we know instead of what we’d hoped.
We know the patterns that we grew up with. We know how devastating that story ends. We know the schedules of the families around us. We know that we justify by saying they are just like us. We know that it comes every fall and spring. We know that we don’t know any better.
Until knowing better has to be better than this.
So we make the late night phone calls and bear our soul. We admit again that we’ve stumbled. That the sin of making our children happy has stolen the gift of our covenant. That we would rather watch our children succeed than face the silence that has become our pain.
We reach out knowing that we will hear things we don’t want to hear. We reach out knowing that things will need to change. That yes’s will have to become no’s. That our children will learn to sacrifice in order for us to thrive.
May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope, Lord, is in you Psalm 25:21
We admit that the world that we portray is the world of our activities, not of our life. Our pictures and accomplishments do not show the loneliness and pain that are stealing our marriage.
We admit that we cannot. Should not. Will not do this alone.
That we will fight. We will be still. We will pray. We will cry. We will dig. We will admit. We will be honest. We will ask for help. We will try.
For the sake of the covenant we made.
Do you have a story of fighting for freedom that you’d like to share? I’d love to have you on the blog sharing your fight, your beginning, your road to freedom. Whatever your struggle is you are not alone. -sheli