I opened up Pandora’s box last night and now I am regretting I ever did it. I am sitting here and my stomach is turning.
I should eat something.
I should eat cereal. Boxes of it. Cause boxes of cereal will make everything ok.
I asked a few of my people to give me some feedback. I asked them to help me with a writing project I thought I was working on. And so I put it out there.
Crickets. And so I will eat a box of cereal and make it all better.
I will stuff my anxiety with golden goodness of Golden Grahams.
Because somehow me consuming thousands of calories will show them.
I did not expect this.
I did not expect my anxiety to reel its ugly head over this. I walk back and forth to the computer checking it like 745 times just to make sure that it is still working. I turn my phone on and off to see if I still have a connection. And then I think oh crap they are all talking behind my back and wondering how to break it to me that I am just a mess. Wait? They are talking behind my back? I hate that. I hate being talked about and not to. I hate that more than anything. Like way more than I hate cats. SO if they are talking about me and deciding that I am a mess then when are they going to confront me? Are they going to do it in person or gang up on me?
Do you see how logical I am being?
But I did this. I opened the box. I asked for feedback. I asked for help. And now I feel like a gerbil on a spinning wheel. And I really don’t like gerbils either. ( I mean really? A tiny squirrel in your house?)
And then it hits me. I am a slave. I wake up every morning and carefully put the chains back on my wrists. I make sure that I have locked them around my ankles and try to walk through the day. I am a slave every day to what controls me. And today. Today I choose to let approval control me. I decided that I needed the approval of my people to continue my day.
Yesterday I woke up and decided that I would be ruled by jealousy. It reeled its ugly head when a friend got amazing news and all of a sudden instead of rejoicing with her I decided that it wasn’t fair. That I work so hard. That I don’t have all the benefits that she does. That somehow the “kingdom of I” was not being served and my self -righteous attitude was justified.
Some days I decide to be a slave to multiple things. Anger, fear, anxiety, food, my past, and the list could go on and on.
And I put myself on the gerbil wheel again. But I knowingly placed myself there. It has nothing to do with my friends and how quickly they get back to me. It has nothing even with the words that they will say. It has to do with where my eyes are focused. My eyes are focused on me.
And when my eyes are focused on me I forget whose Kingdom I am living in.
Because my kingdom is exhausting. It’s exhausting to carry around the chains every day and expect others to know and unlock those them.
In my kingdom I just sit with my chains and eat Golden Grahams. And Golden Grahams are not going to break anything.
When I lift my eyes and focus on the Creator all else goes away. The chains are broken. HE does not put them on me. HE breaks them. It is me who decides to solder them back together.
And with patience He reminds me I am free. Free from the slavery of sin. Free from the slavery of acceptance. Free from jealousy. Free from anger. Free from anxiety.
I am free.
I choose. I choose to get off the gerbil wheel. I choose to accept what comes to me.
I choose to walk away from the Golden Grahams and be free.