I love bacon. On everything. My love of bacon went to a whole new level when someone introduced me to bacon wrapped dates stuffed with goat cheese. Take a moment and let that soak in. Yeah, it’s that good. It is like pork candy in my mouth. If I am invited to any invent this summer that is probably what I will bring. So if you don’t like bacon, don’t invite me. I think anything can taste better wrapped in bacon. Except maybe jelly beans. Those stand by themselves.
So here I am a forty year old woman who loves bacon and may or may not have an issue with jelly beans. But I am realizing my heart has been wrapped in other things lately besides bacon.
I am struggling. Struggling watching my daughter trying to date. The push and the pull of it all. Trying to figure out who she is and how she relates to the world. And how the world treats her back. It has nothing to do with the guy. Any guy.
It has to do with me. And me and her. And how she is a huge part of me. Part of me made her. And so I am half of her.
And that scares me.
Because I am pulled into the belief that because I was the girl that everyone should have stayed away from for years, that she will make the same mistakes I did. I know. I know. She is not me. She needs to write her own story. Blah. Blah. Blah.
But this this the thing. When fear creeps in, it wraps itself around you. Around your mind and images of your past soak into parts of you that haven’t healed yet. The parts of you that are creative and vulnerable and raw.
I am twisted in memories of a past that would like to keep me there. I am overwhelmed with the fear that the life I lived will be repeated by my daughter. That she will be haunted for years about the choices she may or may not make.
And here I was on a Tuesday feeling it all over coffee with one of my best friends. This friend has a way of reaching inside my soul and drawing out whatever I am concealing. Or maybe I don’t hide it well and she just has the courage to ask. She asked how I was doing. How I was really doing. The space in between the person that you want everyone to see and the one that exists so life can function in a normal manner. That space. She asked how that in between was.
She let me be understood.
She didn’t interrupt or offer advice.
She didn’t counter the story so she could be heard.
She waited. She listened.
And then, when the tears started to fall, she reached across the table and touched my hand.
The words she spoke next brought such freedom to my heart.
“You know she gets the best version of you right?”
“Sweet girl, she gets the YOU wrapped in Jesus. She gets the best part of you. The YOU that is fully and completely wrapped in Jesus.”
“She gets to be raised by one who has been forgiven and made new”
So many days I forget who I am.
I have no problem remembering who I was.
I look in the mirror and the scars are still there.
I can find things to wrap myself in every day.
Fear. Control. Anxiety. Shame.Pride. Jealousy. Noise. Busyness. Food.
We need people in our lives to remind us what we are called to be wrapped in.
Fully forgiven. Fully made new. Fully at the feet at the one who pours mercy over me.
Fully wrapped in Jesus.